Today I look outside of my French doors that lead to a patio from my bedroom and see the sun shining. It seems odd that it is the end of January and the temperature outside is 70 degrees Fahrenheit in winter. I am sitting on the end of my bed just glancing out occasionally when not staring at my computer. I can't go outside today because I am scared my doorknob will not open smoothly which will increase my anxieties I woke up feeling. I haven't taken a shower today because I am afraid I can't get the shower curtain to close right. I need to get washed up and will probably do like most days and wash from the bathroom sink because I don't want to disturb the shower curtain I finally was able to close exactly the way I like it. I can't wait to be able to just throw the curtain back and step into the shower without this worry.
I want to go outside so bad to feel the warm weather. I know that if someone were to come over then I would be able to open the door. I just wait silently for unexpected company to arrive and secretly pray it will happen. I am getting what people around here call "cabin fever" and it is driving me insane. I have my medication on my table in the other room and I need to take it. I am scared that I already have taken it and can't remember doing it. I keep replaying the time I woke up in my mind and I can't remember if I took my medicine or not. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. I also know that I will more than likely have to admit to my therapist that I have made a mess out of my medication and I have no idea how to fix it to th comfortable level I have been taking for a while.
My mouth is getting better. For the past few days the roof of my mouth bubbled up with blisters. I have no idea what is going on with me and I have never had this happen to me before. I can tell that it is getting better because it doesn't feel like i have a cactus inside of my mouth any longer. Now it just feels like I scalded my mouth with hot soup or coffee. I will be so grateful when this heals and I don't want to cry every time I touch the top of my mouth with my tongue. I am afraid to go to the doctor to get checked. Everyone I have told about this has immediately told me, "Girl, it's probably just AIDS or something". I laugh at the appropriate joke but deep inside now I am scared that it is probably AIDS and the preventative HIV test I took before is wrong. I am not even sure how everyone collectively knows that mouth ulcers mean AIDS. How is it I hadn't known about this when everyone else seems to have this knowledge? I wanted to take pictures of my mouth ulcers but every attempt I haven't been able to get a clear picture and it actually hurts to open up wide enough to see much more than my tongue.
I hope this day hurry's up and ends so I can get away from this feeling I am having today.
No comments:
Post a Comment