Dealing with Psychosis

For over a month I have been in psychosis. My mental illness has taken over my body and soul and documenting the way I feel and how my brain is working will hopefully show me and others how mental disease destroys a person.


As much as I look around, nothing seems familiar. I can't figure my life out and I've been in the same place for over a year. I chose to live alone so that I wouldn't bother others but in the loneliness I end up a mess. I can't recognize the simple thing around me. I don't understand how to get from  point A to point B. The problem with this is I am intelligent enough to know I my brain is missing and it is a sick feeling to feel the helplessness that wraps itself around you suffocating me. 


At this point I have no sleep pattern. When my body says to lay down and sleep that is what I do. I am in constant fear that because of this I am going to miss some kind of meeting or appointment. I am scared to death, always nervous and anxious and can't stop being scared. 


Functioning without any sleep pattern plays with your mind whether you have mental illness or not. When you wake up not knowing if it is night or day outside, your world automatically feels like it is upside down. Your body feels shaky inside, you have no idea what day it is because you don't know exactly how long you've slept. Remembering anything ceases to exist because something in your brain blocks short term memory. Last year I forgot my own birthday and it wasn't until a family member told me that I remembered. You also can't finish any task you start. 


These symptoms sound like they could be drug induced but I assure you I do not take drugs other than my psych meds. I don't drink alcohol either. In my lifetime, the only thing I have ever tried was pot. I would say my pot smoking was social in that I rarely did it or was around anyone who did it. I also never felt pot was a drug. I think it was more of a calming agent for me and I knew I didn't like the way alcohol made you feel while being drunk or the depression it caused the next few days. I have drank before, but I didn't like it enough to be an alcoholic. 


With anxieties, I don't want to be around others but those I really trust. I don't want to be talked into something so I choose to stay away from others. I have a hard time saying "no" and feel bombarded if someone asks me to do something because I know I will say yes because I don't want people to actually know how much I am freaking out. The weird thing about this is I am not scared to go to the nut house. Yeah, that's right. I will be the first one in line if I am told there is a bus heading that way because it is the only place I feel safe. Nothing can get me, nothing can hurt me and nothing can bother me while I am hospitalized. The bad part of that is that Oklahoma only has crisis centers so in order to be able to get help you have to either be sent by a judge on a drug or alcohol charge or you have to be suicidal. I've been suicidal and went but that isn't the only time mental  health issues affect a person. Why does mental illness have to get to the point of suicidal thoughts before you can be helped? 


I want to get help but I'm so scared to talk about what is going on. I finally talked with my therapist I see every week and admitted that I am not doing well. Had I not tried to fix it on my own I would have never gotten to the point I am at now. Here's the kicker on this: I never miss an appointment and I take medication. I know that mental illness has no cure and I know that I will always struggle to maintain my disease but I alway think that I can give it time and it will fix itself. This is even though I know it can't happen. I still have this faith, though, and it has not   happened yet. 


For those who think praying and God can heal mental illness then I am living proof that it doesn't work like that. Modern medicine can't cure it either. What I do know is no one would like to live on the streets with mental illness not being treated because of cutbacks like they are doing now. I try to tell everyone that they are cutting the wrong programs but I guess it is going to take a tragedy to shake some sense into people who think they can not acknowledge mental illness so they can have a better economy and take out loans they can't afford and snarl at anyone that is democrat because they think that mental health clinics are draining their pocketbooks. 

So Quiet

I am slow today. Slow to move, slow to take things and just plain slow feeling. The deafening quiet is driving me crazy, yet not as bad as the wind whistling outside. How do you get that to stop? I can handle complete quiet or even a regular noise but the wind is agitating and too irregular. My kitchen has to be cleaned. I have allowed my son to use my kitchen and now I have a horrid mess to clean. I don't understand why he will not help clean up his own mess. He's not even a child but a grown man. He brought me a dog to watch while he is either at work or school and although the dog is adorable and lazy, it is passing gas and making me sick to my stomach. He is potty broke though, so that is something positive as well.

I am becoming scared again. I have gotten back on my medication but my fears are not going away. I am scared I will be killed and I'm not even sure who I can tell this to. I don't look crazy and for the most part I don't act crazy but no one understands this stupid fear I have. I am smart enough that I know the odds of me getting killed are slim but I can't convince my mind when I am having the thoughts that it isn't real. I keep thinking everyone is against me and that they are thinking I am not worthy. I am stuck, cut off from everyone for the most part. I do that when I get scared because I can't handle hearing people tell me I'm being silly. It pisses me off that I even have to deal with this crap and yet, I am faced with it more and more as I grow older.

I feel like hiding where no one can find me. I actually wish I had my own island and I was the only habitant. Why am I so unimpressed with others right now? I can't seem to find anything they tell me important. That being said, I am most concerned with my grand daughter who is sick at the moment. Ok, that is one thing I am impressed with, but any other casual talking just makes my ass hurt. I would rather be stabbed in the neck with a spoon than to have a conversation of monotonous subjects. At this time I feel as though I have talked about all I want to talk about and I see nothing else needing said. Of course, those who I do not care for do not actually fit the category. For those select people I continue to have comments running in my mind continually.

I'm so ready for the snow storm that is supposed to hit tonight. I loved the snow storm we had last week and I hope this one is even worse than that one was. It always feels good to with for the worse to me. If it's supposed to snow I want it to snow so much that they shut down the town or if it rains I always wish it floods. It always makes anything better if it's as bad as it can be. Well, for my entertainment anyway.

SNOWED IN

It has been a week now and the snow has kept any real movement from happening outside. Everyone has been complaining about the snow and how it has affected the entire city but to me the beauty of the scenery is peaceful. I don't care to get out in the weather, but I enjoy looking at the clean snow.


I have spent the past week watching movies on Netflix. The hours put in this activity has been enormous and enjoyable. It's quiet here at the house and I don't feel like being bothered by anyone wanting to visit. I refuse to answer my door to anyone who knocks. I have no words to use that would constitute any type of conversation. I will, however, chat online with my friends and family. I have no need to see them in person though. 


I drew out designs on a pillowcase that I plan a needlepoint project for my grand daughter Ansley. I have drawn a row of butterflies and a row of hearts. They are done in ink so I will be able to use whatever color I choose to fill it in. I know my daughter will love it when I finish. I love being able to use my creativity to make things for my grandchild. I decided I want her to call me GiGi when she gets older. I can feel that name describing me to a tee.


My moods have been melancholy and I am trying to get my medication back in order. I have been doing great this week keeping my medication straight. 

Back on medication

I have spent the majority of time today sleeping. The reason for all the sleep is I finally got my medications back on track and I don't have to be scared I am messing them up. The only problem with this is now I am going to go through all of the starting stages of taking psych drugs you go through. Sleeping is just one of the side effect. My medications also make me unsteady, thirsty and lose my appetite. I am fine with this though knowing what the result will be once they are in my system.

Day 1: Bad feeling

Today I look outside of my French doors that lead to a patio from my bedroom and see the sun shining. It seems odd that it is the end of January and the temperature outside is 70 degrees Fahrenheit in winter. I am sitting on the end of my bed just glancing out occasionally when not staring at my computer. I can't go outside today because I am scared my doorknob will not open smoothly which will increase my anxieties I woke up feeling. I haven't taken a shower today because I am afraid I can't get the shower curtain to close right. I need to get washed up and will probably do like most days and wash from the bathroom sink because I don't want to disturb the shower curtain I finally was able to close exactly the way I like it. I can't wait to be able to just throw the curtain back and step into the shower without this worry.

I want to go outside so bad to feel the warm weather. I know that if someone were to come over then I would be able to open the door. I just wait silently for unexpected company to arrive and secretly pray it will happen. I am getting what people around here call "cabin fever" and it is driving me  insane. I have my medication on my table in the other room and I need to take it. I am scared that I already have taken it and can't remember doing it. I keep replaying the time I woke  up in my mind and I can't remember if I took my medicine or not. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. I also know that I will more than likely have to admit to my therapist that I have made a mess out of my medication and I have no idea how to fix it to th comfortable level I have been taking for a while.

My mouth is getting better. For the past few days the roof of my mouth bubbled up with blisters. I have no idea what is going on with me and I have never had this happen to me before. I can tell that it is getting better because it doesn't feel like i have a cactus inside of my mouth any longer. Now it just feels like I scalded my mouth with hot soup or coffee. I will be so grateful when this heals and I don't want to cry every time I touch the top of my mouth with my tongue. I am afraid to go to the doctor to get checked. Everyone I have told about this has immediately told me, "Girl, it's probably just AIDS or something". I laugh at the appropriate joke but deep inside now I am scared that it is probably AIDS and the preventative HIV test I took before is wrong. I am not even sure how everyone collectively knows that mouth ulcers mean AIDS. How is it I hadn't known about this when everyone else seems to have this knowledge? I wanted to take pictures of my mouth ulcers but every attempt I haven't been able to get a clear picture and it actually hurts to open up wide enough to see much more than my tongue.

I hope this day hurry's up and ends so I can get away from this feeling I am having today.

My first blog and an introduction

Hello, my name is Shawn Hunley. I would like for everyone to know that  I have to live with mental health problems but I try to compensate for this  through acceptance and positive encouragement. That being said, I don't want to disillusion people into thinking that there is a cure for mental illness. Through medication management and consistent therapy sessions,  what society deems normal will be easier to project to others.

I never introduce myself to someone without telling them I am crazy. Some may find this offensive but the reality is I want to be open and honest and allow them to make the decision to continue to talk to me or not. The reason I have came "out" is because it became too overwhelming trying to cover up the fact that my mind isn't like anyone else I have come in contact with. Since brain chemical imbalances are not physically noticeable the chances of speaking to someone with mental health problems without knowing are far greater than you would imagine.

To begin with, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), anxiety disorder with panic attacks and the all too familiar ADD. The later I really don't claim considering the affects of the medication and other issues contribute to all the characteristics of ADD without actually having the disorder. I understand that there are criteria that must be met in establishing a diagnosis for all mental health disorders but I also know that some of the criteria can be brought on by medication used to help with psych problems. That is the reason I do not own up to ADD. Maybe I am lying to myself to convince me and other's that I don't have it.

Growing up with mental health disorders was a pain and affected every aspect of my life. I had never considered talking about it to anyone because I was so ashamed to admit something was wrong with me. I was so scared of being put away that I tried to hide all of my problems. I look back now and it makes me sad that I couldn't have just told someone how I was feeling. In my mind I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. I had an abnormal way of looking at the world and overcompensated by laughter to make light of a serious depression that has plagued me since my earliest memories.

OCD was not something I understood nor knew how to explain at an early age. I would spend many hours trying to make sure everything added up exactly the same. I memorized steps, boards, and anything that had rhythm and honestly I still do that. The problem with OCD is not knowing you have it. I never knew I had it until I finally came clean with my counselor about getting stuck and not being able to move forward. It is still hard to explain exactly what is going on in my mind all day and night to others, but I try to describe the feelings and the action so others can see and understand what is going on with me. My OCD is not lining things up or freaking out about germs like everyone seems to be an expert on. My OCD has to do with being scared about not doing something. It sounds ridiculous when you actually say it and yet I can't shake it. Medication maintenance continues to be a part of my mental health disorders, but my OCD seems to be too strong to actually be controlled.

I hope I have opened up enough and given you an introduction to my chaotic life. I will make videos and blogs continually. I also like any feedback or discussion. Please feel free to ask anything and I will try and answer if the question pertains to something I know or can get answers for.

ShawnHunley