Back on medication

I have spent the majority of time today sleeping. The reason for all the sleep is I finally got my medications back on track and I don't have to be scared I am messing them up. The only problem with this is now I am going to go through all of the starting stages of taking psych drugs you go through. Sleeping is just one of the side effect. My medications also make me unsteady, thirsty and lose my appetite. I am fine with this though knowing what the result will be once they are in my system.

Day 1: Bad feeling

Today I look outside of my French doors that lead to a patio from my bedroom and see the sun shining. It seems odd that it is the end of January and the temperature outside is 70 degrees Fahrenheit in winter. I am sitting on the end of my bed just glancing out occasionally when not staring at my computer. I can't go outside today because I am scared my doorknob will not open smoothly which will increase my anxieties I woke up feeling. I haven't taken a shower today because I am afraid I can't get the shower curtain to close right. I need to get washed up and will probably do like most days and wash from the bathroom sink because I don't want to disturb the shower curtain I finally was able to close exactly the way I like it. I can't wait to be able to just throw the curtain back and step into the shower without this worry.

I want to go outside so bad to feel the warm weather. I know that if someone were to come over then I would be able to open the door. I just wait silently for unexpected company to arrive and secretly pray it will happen. I am getting what people around here call "cabin fever" and it is driving me  insane. I have my medication on my table in the other room and I need to take it. I am scared that I already have taken it and can't remember doing it. I keep replaying the time I woke  up in my mind and I can't remember if I took my medicine or not. I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. I also know that I will more than likely have to admit to my therapist that I have made a mess out of my medication and I have no idea how to fix it to th comfortable level I have been taking for a while.

My mouth is getting better. For the past few days the roof of my mouth bubbled up with blisters. I have no idea what is going on with me and I have never had this happen to me before. I can tell that it is getting better because it doesn't feel like i have a cactus inside of my mouth any longer. Now it just feels like I scalded my mouth with hot soup or coffee. I will be so grateful when this heals and I don't want to cry every time I touch the top of my mouth with my tongue. I am afraid to go to the doctor to get checked. Everyone I have told about this has immediately told me, "Girl, it's probably just AIDS or something". I laugh at the appropriate joke but deep inside now I am scared that it is probably AIDS and the preventative HIV test I took before is wrong. I am not even sure how everyone collectively knows that mouth ulcers mean AIDS. How is it I hadn't known about this when everyone else seems to have this knowledge? I wanted to take pictures of my mouth ulcers but every attempt I haven't been able to get a clear picture and it actually hurts to open up wide enough to see much more than my tongue.

I hope this day hurry's up and ends so I can get away from this feeling I am having today.

My first blog and an introduction

Hello, my name is Shawn Hunley. I would like for everyone to know that  I have to live with mental health problems but I try to compensate for this  through acceptance and positive encouragement. That being said, I don't want to disillusion people into thinking that there is a cure for mental illness. Through medication management and consistent therapy sessions,  what society deems normal will be easier to project to others.

I never introduce myself to someone without telling them I am crazy. Some may find this offensive but the reality is I want to be open and honest and allow them to make the decision to continue to talk to me or not. The reason I have came "out" is because it became too overwhelming trying to cover up the fact that my mind isn't like anyone else I have come in contact with. Since brain chemical imbalances are not physically noticeable the chances of speaking to someone with mental health problems without knowing are far greater than you would imagine.

To begin with, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), anxiety disorder with panic attacks and the all too familiar ADD. The later I really don't claim considering the affects of the medication and other issues contribute to all the characteristics of ADD without actually having the disorder. I understand that there are criteria that must be met in establishing a diagnosis for all mental health disorders but I also know that some of the criteria can be brought on by medication used to help with psych problems. That is the reason I do not own up to ADD. Maybe I am lying to myself to convince me and other's that I don't have it.

Growing up with mental health disorders was a pain and affected every aspect of my life. I had never considered talking about it to anyone because I was so ashamed to admit something was wrong with me. I was so scared of being put away that I tried to hide all of my problems. I look back now and it makes me sad that I couldn't have just told someone how I was feeling. In my mind I wanted to be normal like everyone around me. I had an abnormal way of looking at the world and overcompensated by laughter to make light of a serious depression that has plagued me since my earliest memories.

OCD was not something I understood nor knew how to explain at an early age. I would spend many hours trying to make sure everything added up exactly the same. I memorized steps, boards, and anything that had rhythm and honestly I still do that. The problem with OCD is not knowing you have it. I never knew I had it until I finally came clean with my counselor about getting stuck and not being able to move forward. It is still hard to explain exactly what is going on in my mind all day and night to others, but I try to describe the feelings and the action so others can see and understand what is going on with me. My OCD is not lining things up or freaking out about germs like everyone seems to be an expert on. My OCD has to do with being scared about not doing something. It sounds ridiculous when you actually say it and yet I can't shake it. Medication maintenance continues to be a part of my mental health disorders, but my OCD seems to be too strong to actually be controlled.

I hope I have opened up enough and given you an introduction to my chaotic life. I will make videos and blogs continually. I also like any feedback or discussion. Please feel free to ask anything and I will try and answer if the question pertains to something I know or can get answers for.

ShawnHunley