So Quiet

I am slow today. Slow to move, slow to take things and just plain slow feeling. The deafening quiet is driving me crazy, yet not as bad as the wind whistling outside. How do you get that to stop? I can handle complete quiet or even a regular noise but the wind is agitating and too irregular. My kitchen has to be cleaned. I have allowed my son to use my kitchen and now I have a horrid mess to clean. I don't understand why he will not help clean up his own mess. He's not even a child but a grown man. He brought me a dog to watch while he is either at work or school and although the dog is adorable and lazy, it is passing gas and making me sick to my stomach. He is potty broke though, so that is something positive as well.

I am becoming scared again. I have gotten back on my medication but my fears are not going away. I am scared I will be killed and I'm not even sure who I can tell this to. I don't look crazy and for the most part I don't act crazy but no one understands this stupid fear I have. I am smart enough that I know the odds of me getting killed are slim but I can't convince my mind when I am having the thoughts that it isn't real. I keep thinking everyone is against me and that they are thinking I am not worthy. I am stuck, cut off from everyone for the most part. I do that when I get scared because I can't handle hearing people tell me I'm being silly. It pisses me off that I even have to deal with this crap and yet, I am faced with it more and more as I grow older.

I feel like hiding where no one can find me. I actually wish I had my own island and I was the only habitant. Why am I so unimpressed with others right now? I can't seem to find anything they tell me important. That being said, I am most concerned with my grand daughter who is sick at the moment. Ok, that is one thing I am impressed with, but any other casual talking just makes my ass hurt. I would rather be stabbed in the neck with a spoon than to have a conversation of monotonous subjects. At this time I feel as though I have talked about all I want to talk about and I see nothing else needing said. Of course, those who I do not care for do not actually fit the category. For those select people I continue to have comments running in my mind continually.

I'm so ready for the snow storm that is supposed to hit tonight. I loved the snow storm we had last week and I hope this one is even worse than that one was. It always feels good to with for the worse to me. If it's supposed to snow I want it to snow so much that they shut down the town or if it rains I always wish it floods. It always makes anything better if it's as bad as it can be. Well, for my entertainment anyway.

SNOWED IN

It has been a week now and the snow has kept any real movement from happening outside. Everyone has been complaining about the snow and how it has affected the entire city but to me the beauty of the scenery is peaceful. I don't care to get out in the weather, but I enjoy looking at the clean snow.


I have spent the past week watching movies on Netflix. The hours put in this activity has been enormous and enjoyable. It's quiet here at the house and I don't feel like being bothered by anyone wanting to visit. I refuse to answer my door to anyone who knocks. I have no words to use that would constitute any type of conversation. I will, however, chat online with my friends and family. I have no need to see them in person though. 


I drew out designs on a pillowcase that I plan a needlepoint project for my grand daughter Ansley. I have drawn a row of butterflies and a row of hearts. They are done in ink so I will be able to use whatever color I choose to fill it in. I know my daughter will love it when I finish. I love being able to use my creativity to make things for my grandchild. I decided I want her to call me GiGi when she gets older. I can feel that name describing me to a tee.


My moods have been melancholy and I am trying to get my medication back in order. I have been doing great this week keeping my medication straight.